Selfish

I have started focusing on all the things not having a baby will allow me to do.  DISCLAIMER, for those of you having babies this is not meant to hurt you.  This is simply a tool to help me deal with all of this.

 Told a very good friend the other day that I truly think God has nothing to do with whether or not we have kids. Because if that were true why would he deny me another one and give people who should not more children.  I am educated with 2 degrees, have a job, a husband, insurance, a house, and pay my bills. Why do we only get one child? Simply put it is biology not religion that prevents us. I am almost 38 and high risk alone from that.  Add to that previous pre-eclampsia, a newly discovered clotting disorder than can cause MAJOR birth defects, severe hypertension, and type 2 diabetes & weight issues. 

Ok back to selfish:
No more diapers and potty training
No more sleepless nights
No more carrying around 100 things to take care of the baby
No more schedules
Start to do more fun stuff with EC
Travel the world with EC before she goes to college
Be able to pay for her college
Get a non-mom car
Go back and get my master's
Focus on my Career
Volunteer
Get into shape and get plastic surgery

So many of you want to know why we go do so much stuff with EC like Disney World well it is because we can. WE HAVE 1 CHILD and that's all we are getting. If we had more children like you we would stay home. Maybe you would do the same thing and try to fill any empty hole in your heart with fun things if you could only have 1 child?

Baby Blues

I am using my blog to help overcome something I have been dealing with for almost 3 years now.  Most of my friends and family know about it, but only a few know how much it has impacted my ability to be a wife and mother.  At the suggestion of my husband, (after one of our many fights or breakdowns) I am using this as a tool to help me deal with my emotions. 

Between it being too risky to have more children and secondary infertililty issues, I cannot get pregnant.  my husband says he chooses me over the chance something could go wrong with a second pregnancy. I am on a complete emotional roller coaster that seems to never end.  My heart and head cannot get on the same page no matter how hard I try. I seem to be stuck between different stages of grief.

The high risk doctor told me if I made it to 32 weeks that would be good. My OB told me she broke out in a sweat reading the report from the high risk doctor, and practically begged me not to get pregnant.

I recognize how selfish I am wanting another baby knowing the risks I am taking with my health and the health of the baby.  Emma Cate is at the age wanting to know why she doesn't get another brother or sister.  I spent the other night trying to explain why I can't have another baby & she just kept saying "why"?

I will spend the next few weeks, months trying to sort this out.  My head knows I will never be pregnant again but my heart has a huge hole that is trying to heal with scar tissue. It will never be 100% but the hole will be gone?