I am using my blog to help overcome something I have been dealing with for almost 3 years now. Most of my friends and family know about it, but only a few know how much it has impacted my ability to be a wife and mother. At the suggestion of my husband, (after one of our many fights or breakdowns) I am using this as a tool to help me deal with my emotions.
Between it being too risky to have more children and secondary infertililty issues, I cannot get pregnant. my husband says he chooses me over the chance something could go wrong with a second pregnancy. I am on a complete emotional roller coaster that seems to never end. My heart and head cannot get on the same page no matter how hard I try. I seem to be stuck between different stages of grief.
The high risk doctor told me if I made it to 32 weeks that would be good. My OB told me she broke out in a sweat reading the report from the high risk doctor, and practically begged me not to get pregnant.
I recognize how selfish I am wanting another baby knowing the risks I am taking with my health and the health of the baby. Emma Cate is at the age wanting to know why she doesn't get another brother or sister. I spent the other night trying to explain why I can't have another baby & she just kept saying "why"?
I will spend the next few weeks, months trying to sort this out. My head knows I will never be pregnant again but my heart has a huge hole that is trying to heal with scar tissue. It will never be 100% but the hole will be gone?
